Annie is dying. Dying on the inside.
She's being killed by her feelings, her "friend's" feelings, her family's feelings, and the popular girl's feelings, all about her.
"Fat" Her mind says, even though she's 17 and 92 pounds, you can see her ribcage through a tight sweater, and her thigh gap is huge.
"Ugly" her mind says, even though she's almost as pretty as the local slut and multiple guys have crushes on her.
"Worthless" her mind says, even though she's the top of the class, a straight A+ student, and in an IB program.
Annie has lots of things running through her mind, and none of them are positive. While dealing with terrible parents, terrible friends, self harm, and multiple diseases, Annie has to keep herself positive, before her knife takes over.
Field of DreamsEdit
Everything sucks.My mom, my dad, my fake friends, my mind. The only thing that doesn't suck is Lucy. Lucy is my little sister, and she is the sun during a thunderstorm. She is the most positive thing in my life.
I walk to my pond, and lay in the grass surrounding the murky water. The sun is barely dawning, and the blue of dawn mixes beautifully with the yellow light of the sun. This is my escape. This is where I can be without having to worry about Lucy discovering my scars.
I put my hand in the red mess of hair on my head, and close my eyes for just a moment. I wonder if there's life after death. If you can finally wander in that field of dreams you always had when you were alive. I wonder if it's worth going there at 17.
The cream of my sweater blends into the brown of the bus seat. I gaze out the window at my pond. I look at Lucy giggling with her kindergartener friends and smile. She is the sweetest little girl, and I hope she never ever ever, ends up an insomniac, suicidal, depressed, anorexic, self-harming, bipolar, girl with tardive dyskinesia, blurry vision, a stutter, selective mutism and, misophonia. Yeah. I'm pretty effed up. That sums up Annie Grey Watson for you."Hey bipolar." Brietta Corlie, head minx of the school, says as she passes me. "Hi minx." I retort. "Um, excuse me?" Brietta makes an idiotic gesture. "P-please. Sh-short shorts a-a-and a belly shirt-t aren't n-normal in the middle of Oct-tober." I stutter. Like I always do. Brietta walks off in disgust, and I slap the wall unintentionally. Damn my tardive dyskinesia. I thought I took my tetrabenazine pill.
The doctors said not to take tetrabenazine because I had depression, but before I started taking it, I punched a hole in my wall involuntarily, so they put me on the drug.
I usually spend bustime with earbuds in my ears, pretending to listen to music, but really, they're unplugged and are for blocking out the noise due to my misophonia. Isn't my life great?
Bipolar messes me up too. Sometimes, during a test or an exam, I'll finish it in 15 minutes and have a spare, but sometimes I'm sitting there with my head on the desk, and I end up clawing my face on nearly crying in the library on a couch.
The yellow bus pulls up to the front of the school, and reluctantly, I get off. I diverge from Brietta's crowd of friends, and my crowd of friends. All they care about now is their boyfriends, cars, money, clothes and all those stereotypical teenage girl things. They've lost their care for others feelings, and their old friends from elementary, and are now vieing for a place beside Brietta, or a spot on the cheerleading team. Most of them anyway. But even Naomi and Taelar are losing their care for others. Basically the only people willing to be nice to me now are Juljiyah Ivanovich, Finn Starke and, the people from speech.
Juljiyah is from Russia, and the j in her name is silent. She speaks little to no English, but is very friendly and hospitable, and I rather like her.
Finn is my favourite person in the whole world, next to Lucy. He is completely mute. He cannot speak at all, and never has been able to. I'm pretty much the only person who can talk to him besides the people in speech, who I'm acquainted with. We can only talk to him because we all speak sign language. I only know how to speak sign language is because I didn't talk for the first ten years of my life. My parents forced me to learn sign language with them because they thought I was mute.
Truth is, I didn't talk because I was embarassed about my stutter. When I was two, was singing before daycare, and my voice sounded odd, so I refused to speak for eight years. Yes, I have only been talking for 7 years.
I walk in the glass doors, and go to the library. I curl up with Order of the Phoenix on the couch. J. K. Rowling is one of my favourite authors, next to J. R. R. Tolkein. I love his writing, and he was very talented. It would have been an honor to meet him, but he died long before I was born. It would be amazing if I could meet his son, Christopher, though.
A loud buzz makes me wince. I clap shut my book, and walk to speech. Speech is a class exclusive to our school, because we have, like 27 students with speech impediments/disorders. In the grade 12 class–my class–there's only eight, but that's okay. Less people to be afraid of. I used to never want to speak in front of Brietta, because she was the one who caused my selective mutism, mostly. The teachers didn't understand why, even though they knew what selective mutism was, and they knew I had it.
"Annie, please recite your oral report." They'd say. I'd shake my head no, and it'd end up with them yelling at me, and me crying and holding my ears, and rocking back and forth. One teacher actually asked me if I was retarded. I flipped my desk over, and threw my report at him, and ran all the way home, and didn't go to school for two weeks. Not because I was suspended, but because I was traumatized and scared of that teacher. Thankfully, he was fired, and I went back to school, but I made my parents drive me, and I skipped half my classes for a week.
When they got the speech program, I immediatly made my parents enroll me. It was eight students, and they were all friendly.
Walking into class, I see Katherine (our teacher who insits we call her by her first name), talking to Eleanor Hallace, a cute girl with chesnut hair and a major lisp. She waves at me witha smile. "Hi K-katheri-ine. E-eleanor." I wave. "Hi Annie, how are you?" Katherine asks. Comme çi comme ça. The bell burst my ears." I say, wavering in spots, but not totally stuttering.
When the rest of the students walk in (Including Juljiyah and Finn) class begins.
ButterfliesEditI watch Lucy run down the driveway, her flaming red hair trailing behind her. Suddenly she stops and crouches to the ground. She runs back to me, cupping something in her hands. "W-what's that h-hun?" I ask when she runs up to me. "It's a dead butterfly. I found it on the ground. I didn't want mommy and daddy to run over it, so I picked it up." She explains. "W-what d-do you want-t me to d-do with it?" I ask, clueless. "Bury it?" She asks, her blue eyes widening. "Sure, c-come here." I nod my head over to a patch of grass. I dig it up with a spoon I found in my backpack.
"Put it-t in this h-hole." I tell Lucy gently. She gently lowers the yellow butterfly into the hole. When we put the dirt back on top of it, thoughts run through my head. How did it die? Why did it die? Why couldn't it have died in a more peaceful spot, like a flower, instead of our driveway?
Would I see it if I join it...?
Chapter TwoEditI sit by my pond as I did in the morning. The sky is a purpley-orange as the sun sets. I look at the blade next to me and pick it up. Gently running it across the terrible scar I had from last week, the cut opens up again, revealing a ruby network of blood vessels, keeping me alive.
I lie down and watch the blood make dark lines on mg pale skin as it falls to the ground. I do it for releif. In this moment, I am released from reality, I forget Brietta, I forget my diseases, I forget all of it, just for a few minutes. That's all I need.
I wake up to the scent of dad's coffee, and Lucy singing with her stuffed dragon, Ava. I pull on a sweater to hide the dark purple that surrounds my elongated scab. I walk down the stairs, and go to the counter, where my pills await me. Tetrabenazine, and antidepressants. I take them, and grab an apple, running upstairs. "Annie!" Dad calls. "What dad?" I ask. "You have no lunch today, Mom had to leave late." I shrug it off. Ana doesn't care that I have nothing, I haven't eaten in weeks.
I run up to Lucy and scoop her off the ground. "Bye hun." I say, and give her a kiss on the cheek. She giggles that adorable 5 year old giggle.
I walk out the door without a goodbye from my father.
On the bus, I go to my usual seat, close to the back, but the bus driver, Beatrice, stops me before I can go to my seat. "There's a girl coming on our bus today. Naomi Abran?" Beatrice wonders if I know her. "Oh. Naomi. Did she move?" I ask. "Yes. She moved a few days ago, but her parents have been driving her." Beatrice explains. I nod, and walk to my seat.
I definetly know Naomi. She was my best friend until tenth grade. Then, she befriended Brietta, and got all obsessed with boys, and all that crap. I can't wait until I get a lecture on how my hair could totally be dyed blonde. Trust me, I've had the lecture before.
When Princess Naomi gets on the bus, Beatrice directs her to my seat, two seats in front of Brietta. "Hi Brietta!" Naomi screeches. "OMG Naomi!" Brietta squeals. "Beatrice told me to sit with Anna." She whines. Seriously? After us being friends for nine years, she forgets my name? That's pathetic. "It's Annie." I grit my teeth. "Oh. Yeah." Naomi says. "You know, you could really dye yo–" I cut Naomi off; "I l-like my-y hair the w-way it is Na-aomi." I put up my hand preventing her from talking about it any more. "Well then." Naomi goes back to playing a game on her phone. "Do you think I should get a tan?" Naomi asks without looking at me. "I don't-t care." I say bitterly. "Geez." She says, and continues to play on her phone.
"Real-lly Naomi? Three y-years-s of not-t being-g f-friends, and-d you forg-get my nam-me, and th-th-the fac-ct that-t I'm bip-pol-lar? Geez b-back a-at y-you." I look out the window, and ignore her for the rest of the ride.
Getting to school, Naomi blocks the way, talking to Brietta. "Hey. Naomi. Would you mind acshally letting ush out? A few of ush don't care about goship that THEY CAN CLEARLY HEAR ISH ABOUT ANNIE WATSHON" Adelaide McPherson, another girl from speech, with a lisp, yells. "You know, you can shut up lisp girl." Brietta says. "No, act-tually Briet-ta, you c-c-can shut-t up. We've han-d-dled your bullshi-t-t for years, and you need to st-tart act-ting like a mat-ture t-teenager, and-d not a r-re-p-plic-ca from a mov-vie." I snap. Brietta slaps me in the face, which results in me involuntarily punching her.
I walk off the bus angrily, not looking back. Beatrice looks shocked. She doesn't say anything though, and I know she won't. She understands it was an involuntary punch. I watch Naomi get of the bus with Brietta crying about how I ruined her mascara. "Annie! Annie!" Adelaide yells. "That. Wash. Aweshome!" She squacks. "Thanks. You-ou w-were p-pret-t-tty awesome you-ourself." I give Adelaide a pat on the back.
We walk to the speech class together, and I notice Finn sitting there. Adelaide runs off, and starts talking to Juljiyah in Russian. I have no idea where Adelaide learned Russian, but I don't worry about it. I walk to Finn, who seems to be reading. I sit down beside him, and recognize that he's also reading the Harry Potter series. I signal "Hi, I'm reading that book too."
He notices, and smiles. He has one of the most beautiful smiles in the world. "What chapter are you on?" He signals. "Twenty-four." I signal back. Soon, we are in an in-depth convesation about our favourite authors, books and characters. "My parents found out I was mute when I was three. They told me to talk but nothing came out." He signals. "I was selectively mute for eight years. I still am, but only in front of certain people." I signal. The conversation ends up with us just reading, my head on his shoulder.
I never want to leave his side. He is the sweetest person ever. I love him, and I always will.
SkittlesEditWhen I got home from school, I caught Lucy playing with my antidepressants. "What-t are you do-oing, s-illy?" I ask. "Miss Leigh gave us skittles yesterday, but I didn't eat mine yet. And I thought since skittles make everyone happy, I'd put them with your pills that make you happy, so you could be extra happy!" She explains.'
That was the cutest thing ever. "L-lucy, you j-just m-made my d-day." I laugh, and scoop her up, giving her a kiss. I couldn't ask for a better sister. She is the cutest thing in the world. And that, was the best thing I had heard in a long time.
After that, I help her make a rainbow out of skittles, and then I help her eat it. She asks me to read her a book, and usually I say no, but not today.
"Once upon a time..."
"Annie, did you eat supper?" Mom asks. "I'm not-t hung-gry." I call down from my room, mom interrupting my valuable alone time in my room, reading. "You're never hungry!" Lucy yells. "Oh. Well Katherine just drove up. You might want to come down." Mom says. I slam my book shut and go downstairs to Katherine. We always do our lessons outside, because that's where I concentrate best.
"Hi there Annie!" Katherine reaches out to hug me, and her chocolate brown hair flies over my shoulders. "I heard you can pronounce almost everything, excluding, c, t, d, g, b and, p, with just the occasional slip up on other letters." Katherine says proudly. "Yep-p." I say. I haven't seen her for private lessons in over a month, but we could have been done by now, and I'd actually be talking normally...ish. "Let's practice those today..." Katherine says.
By the end of the lesson, I can sucessfully pronounce, d, g, b and, p, but still slip up a little on t and c. I wave to Katherine as she drives off.
I go inside, and see Lucy sleeping on the couch. I curl up next to her, and fall asleep with her.
Waking up on the weekend, I see Lucy singing along to her favourite show. "Hi Annie! You woke up." She smiles.